Me: *just enjoying the view flying near the California coast*

My dad, the pilot, apropos of nothing: you know if our plane failed right now, we wouldn’t have time to make it back to shore


If you don’t take a moment to appreciate my selfie you’re in violation of the Geneva convention

Welcome to my home Jeff Bezos!! I’m so glad you could make it! Now come along, there’s an installment in the backyard that I really want to show you...

me after sending 15 emails to random actors and studios in the hopes of rebooting Sharkboy and Lavagirl:

Me, on an actual important medical document: gender?? What’s that??

Me, normally: fuck the police
Me, for five minutes this morning: maybe they’re okay actually

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