Mm, time for a meandering rant.

I feel paralysis because no matter where I look I see no measure of meaningful action I can take to improve my life in such a way that would feel satisfactory.

The world's on fire, 15 years until runaway global warming, and even if that weren't the case, migration patterns are likely to be such that "drama" will never end for the rest of humanity's petty existence.

I can be a good little capitalist but Swedish law forces me to work wage slavery if I want to maintain residency (I'm at about 33% of my wages I had when I freelanced, yet I'm still working for the same client).

That said, if I were self-employed there'd be no way for me to get a loan as much like Australia self-employment makes it very hard to get credit. At least in Sweden I can afford to get a deposit on a home, but that's an entire separate rant.

You then consider the work that others are doing around you, and the sheer horror of what is considered today's consultancy work is just a major wtf to me. It used to just be "make this shitty finance shit make more money for rich people". Now it's make stalking technology to ... stop fare evasion. Yes okay good and normal and improving society and yes.

McDonald's bans plastic straws but still gives you a cup with a plastic cover on the top...

The nation state enables stupid nationalistic arguments about shit like the Great Barrier Reef and Amazon such that people consider it an affront or outsider interference to say that the death of these things is bad and has a negative consequence upon all of us.

At least the sun might set on the British empire though, kind of looking forward to that — except for the fact I know that it will lead to the deaths of so many poor and disabled people. Fuck.

And let's not even go into the fucking horror show that is every day of Australian politics that still randomly leaks into my feed.

Government FUCKING CENSORS, for "leaked" documents, mandatory for journalists to submit to? Just, what the actual fuck. Only English-speaking nation without any form of human rights act or bill of rights showing its true police state colours once again.

Polling yesterday shows that the Sweden Democrats are polling higher than the Social Democrats again, a racist party that intends to make it harder to gain citizenship.

I'll lose my fucking mind if I have to tolerate all the shit I will have to until I can even apply for citizenship in 2022 to find that it will no longer be an option for some ridiculous reason.

But to wind this rant back: why the fuck did I come to Europe, and in particular northern Europe, anyway?

A pessimistic worldview that neoliberalism will ensure a +4C world, and that Australia will no longer exist as a livable country.

I already suffocate from the heat every summer prior to the major rises in temp, so I can't even fathom how it's going to be. Doesn't help that corrupted house development has created completely unlivable apartments.

It's also fucking ridiculous to me that I earn a third of what I did in Australia and I still have more savings here in Sweden, because the cost of living is so much practically lower.

So given all this shit constantly swirling in my head, I still can't "settle". I can't set up for myself what I would consider a stable and real life, because I don't believe it will still be here in 10 years time for so many reasons. And it fucking sucks.

And the one thing that drove me to overcome all of this—my ability to derive a pretty insane income from freelancing alone—is no longer available to me, so I feel trapped.

I can't just buy my way out of trouble, though I suspect I never really did I just felt that I "could".

I feel compelled to maintain residence in Europe because I'm not convinced Australia will still exist as a livable landmass in 50-100 years.

Life's a bitch and then you die.

And completely separate to that demented survivalist logic: I'd be here either way because I love it here. The environment and culture suits me so much better. There's much less of an "anti-intellectual" bent to society in general here.

I am able to have friends, like real friends, in this country, which isn't something I can say I ever truly experienced in Australia — which I theorise is because people are able to move out of their parents house and have a life in this country.

All of the cities have massive open spaces and greenness, trees and shit everywhere. It's starkly contrasted with the anti-association designs of Sydney and even Melbourne, where corporate interests will already override the interests of the citizenry.

Shit, NSW govt gave Sydney corporations the right to vote (MANDATORY VOTING, and they got TWO VOTES per corporation!) in local elections to try to oust the mayor, which massively backfired and returned the mayor with a higher majority.

Even with that much support, the mayor can barely do shit to fix anything because Sydney is so dense and there's so much federalised buck-passing and responsibility-shirking that nothing will ever meaningfully change without a fundamental systemic shift. something something revolution

anyway I did say it was a meandering rant so if you're still here, I'll pray for you

I think the worst part is saying all of this has no effect for me. I'm still in the same position as I was at the beginning, with no number of rubber ducks able to solve the fundamental issues here.

We're all kind of fucked and the horror of that is truly paralyzing no matter where you run or try to hide. It's almost impossible for me at this stage to awaken the urge for activism in me without having an immediate second thought of "this is completely fucking futile" and doing nothing at all.

It is only made worse when you treat some truly horrific issue with the surreal ironic responses needed to continue with day to day life to have someone unironically agree. That probably fucks my head up more than anything else: that people in general can basically be okay with any status quo so long as they feel safe in their ignorance, and become aggressive should you dare to challenge that bubble they've stuffed themselves into.

The human is kind of ridiculous.

I remember why I went into politics in 2008 though.

I didn't expect to be able to change anything ultimately but hopefully delay some inevitabilities, but still, in 2008 I could see one thing: Australia was on the edge of _something_ bad that I couldn't quite make out yet, and under Rudd it was possible to set Australia on another course and avert that.

Investing in education, promoting a critical thinking country, making technology of core importance instead of just mining and destruction.

Of course, like everything in the history of the Australian Labor Party, they hideously fucked up that, created concentration camps for refugees, infought so hard the party nearly collapsed, and SOMEFUCKINGHOW the two party system remains after that absolute clusterfuck.


Anyway I suppose I'll just get an apartment, eventually get permanent residency, start my own co-op, beat capitalism at its own game, become a citizen of Sweden, and then hopefully I'll have some semblance of contentment. Being this discontented for so long is draining.

And to know I am so privileged only adds to the rub of this absolute whining thread, I barely have a reason to complain relative to most people i know, and that weighs on me massively.

too disconnected to organise, too horrified to strategise, and now a whining internet wanker. :)

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