aliens: holy fucking shit
humans: I know, first contact right?
aliens: no you dipshits we're talking about whales
humans: ooh yeah, whales are pretty cool
aliens: literally the most amazing thing in the entire galaxy
humans: did you know you can boil them down into lamp oil?

Want to help Mastodon grow?

Frame a picture of the Mastodon logo, put it on your or someone else's grandma's coffee table among all the photos of your relatives! Your grandma won't notice it there, but all your aunts and uncles will be curious. They'll wonder who is this new relative?

In an attempt to research this weird looking new relative, they will stumbled upon the register page, and if there's anything your aunt and uncle is good at, it's signing up to random webpages. Bam! 💥 New user!

It's always good to know that Japan knows exactly what I want in a comic:

Burlesque dancer: *does a strip tease behind an opaque screen*
Guy from Plato’s Cave: wowza, she is leaving NOTHING to the imagination.

you: small anti-fascist gathering

me, an intellectual: itty bitty gritty committee

Amazing how people who are self-described "brutally honest" never seem to give out brutal complements or be brutally vulnerable.

They can't just be like "Hey @KitRedgrave that skirt looks motherfucking fabulous on you and if you don't like it, tough shit." or "Jesus Christ I am dying of nerves right now at this interview. Just telling it like it is, bruh."

sometimes John Carter drops by. they all agree that he's a fatuous prick but Flash still prides himself on getting John's stuipdly complicated drink order just right. Wilma and Dale both feel that Dejah Thoris could do way better. Wilma and Dale would also both run away to Mars and join her Earthling harem in the time it took to say "KIMOTA" if Dejah ever so much as winked in their direction.

Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon and Dan Dare come out of retirement to join forces and defeat a new looming threat to the galaxy, orchestrated in secret by Dan's old arch-nemesis, The Mekon.


Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon and Dan Dare come out of retirement to form a polycule with Wilma Deering and Dale Arden, and run an orbiting coffeeshop together. Flash raises zero-gravity orchids, Buck takes up karaoke, and Dan deals with frequent drunk texts from his ex-boyfriend, The Mekon.

My favorite part of running a D&D campaign is coming up with elaborate histories of the origins of all the humanoid player races that won't factor into the campaign in any way.

Also, drawing maps.

TBF this was also Tolkien's favorite part of running a D&D campaign

"take the left side," "take the right side," "you're supposed to stack the mobs," "use sword oath," "get off of sword oath," "you wouldn't die if you weren't trying to tank everything" y e e s h

dealing with two tanks bickering in the middle of a boss fight is like watching two tops about to get in bed

u ever think about how our phones and shit are screaming at each other and at the wifi access point really loudly but at a high pitch we cant hear, like, all the time

absolutely awful kinkpost, completely degenerate, do not open unless you nasty Show more

Joke goes to script doctor. Says it's a flop. Says audience reaction flat and uncaring. Says it's form feels trite and hackneyed in a world where new memes are born every day. Script Doctor says, "Fix is simple. Great clown Pagliacci template is popular right now.
Go and use it. That should punch things up."

Joke bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci joke."

when you are utterly immune to consequence, you get to develop some really advanced forms of incompetence

the rich are so much weirder than generally understood

It's Thirsty Thursday!
That means you have to DM your crush your Heart Code!

If you send three red hearts, ❤️❤️❤️, it means you're ready to buy a boat with them!

If you send them two reds and a green, ❤️❤️💚, it means you like their sweater.

But if you send a red, a green, and a red, ❤️💚❤️, it means you have Cholera.

If you send a blue, a green, and a black, 💙💚🖤, it means you want to make them a grilled cheese sandwich, with tomato soup, and maybe, if they're willing, a cup of hot tea.

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