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did you know: when you feel sad and turn all amorphous and gooey and tentacley, it's so that you can be hugged closer, held tighter, more surface area to recieve care n affection & stick to friends with

Rose petals are deeply, sensually fascinating. Plump, lightly furred, and fragrant bits of plant flesh that breathe a minor ecstasy when you bruise them.

@thegibson Day of really bad chocolate. But the bunnies are nice.

@thegibson I love that we're susceptible to this. Very frontier-y.

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@Gargron I'd like to take a moment to give thanks for many things.

Thank you for providing a framework to take back the idea of the web.

Thank you for having the foresight to make a federated network for this.

And lastly, and certainly not least for me... Thank you for reawakening the inner punk in me. I see the people of my tribe here, and I revel in it.

Of late I find myself beset by memory, not all of it my own. The key to these reveries is not the taste of a madeleine, but any scent that captures me. Smoke and flowers. Soap and blackberries. Sheets, fresh or sweat-stained. A book. A spice. The rain. I relive or live for the first time, places and feelings and friends I knew or dreamed, as if they were forever.

Like those dreams that come at the waking edge of sleep, I struggle to hold them, a supplicant to my own hallucinations.

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I have a suspicion that in the "helping people to make better decisions" game (or, "raising the sanity waterline"), there's a bias to try and spread understanding (ie, the right ideologies) where techniques would do a better job, with a thin glue of ideas. Techniques put the fruits of the ideas front&center. Debating merits of techniques seems to go better by default than debating one's understanding.

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Unlike what people think attempting to make social networks nicer won't actually make people nicer. It will just make a social network homogenous. That in turn encourages people to unify against an unrepresented outgroup as the moderating factor of actually knowing people from the outgroup doesn't exist. People vie for status by dehumanizing the outgroup. Moderate people recognize how acidic the conversation has become and decide to leave. This removes another moderating factor. Eventually the social network is the complete opposite of nice.

Whenever you declare yourself, people who approve your declaration then have expectations of you. Too often, these expectations are clustered in what are really arbitrary arrangements. "If you're into that, then you must also be this kind of person." These expectations are inevitably disappointed (something at which I excel), and then you either have the choice of managing your persona for the sake of conformance, of bolstering yourself against disapproval, or remaining isolated.

I tried, but failed again, to be a well-integrated persona. I was on the verge of killing this birdsite name, but even though the conversations there have gone fallow, I just couldn't bring myself to break entirely from people from whom I've learned so much.

And then this damn thing pops up.

I see now that the problem is that I am not at all content being identifiably and singularly a member of whatever group forms itself around any of my interests or sympathies.

I need more of me, not less.

@puellavulnerata I had to look that up. Thanks for adding to my vocabulary.

Does it mean the meds are working, if I'm less despairing and more resigned? Is depression a condition, and fatalism a state of being?

Embrace of a devil is a last, desperate act of hope that there may be a god.

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