Pinned toot

if it bites you and you die it's venom
if you eat it and you die it's poison
if you're britney spears and you die it's toxic

Pinned toot

psst a reply guy on mastodon is called a toot sniffer

Pinned toot

Federated tl: bonjour mother fuckers here’s goofy getting his ass rammed by Vincent price
Local tl: holas mother fuckers here’s Tony the Tiger getting sucked off by The honey smacks frog

Alright catch me on my new main: @ronaldravegan@bofa.lol ✌️

The weezer cover of Africa is good peace out nerdz

Also like why bothering doing my hair or whatever it just gets messed up and gross from work

I hate working food service because I always feel like I need to take a thousand showers afterwards

anyways I would never hate anyone on the toot site because you’re all sweeties unlike the dumpster hellworld

Ever just log onto a website and think “I actually hate all of you.” That’s me w/ twitter this morning

yeah, gaming is pretty cool. but have you ever spent all day racking up high scores by funposting on Mastodon: Toot Toot Revolution?!?

:blobaww: ⌨️ 💬

Just gave my name in Starbucks as "Brian Jones" As the barista called out "my name", the entire cafe swarmed me and started mocking me, chanting "lol drown much bitch?". Result. Try it.

This is basically as snuggly and sweet as Evelyn gets, she's only bitten me...a few times, and not hard

Boost if ur a dingo eating a dead shark on the beach, fave if ur a shark being eaten by a dingo.

every university website is so poorly designed that it feels like you gotta solve riddles three just to see your class schedule

Folks, announcement to make about a recent addition to the McKinnon family:

Our new cloudy boy says hi, too.

woof 

@Gargron you ignored my calls for a lanky kong emoji. that's fine. i get it. but what about our lord and savior, donkey kong?

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