RyBread @rybread@mastodon.social

A good rule of thumb is to always be twice as funny as you are rude.

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - William Shakespeare

A rabbi enjoys his tart morning beverage: a Hasidic Jew's acidic juice.

Before the pirates took over, they used to just call it "gentina."

Your chances of getting laid in Rio are about one in a Brazilian.

I wonder what would piss the NSA off more: Googling "where to buy counterfeit money," or making a tweet about it.

I'll never die alone!

I'll die surrounded by the lifeless corpses of my arch rivals. This is for the time you brought nothing but Jell-O to that block party, Tom!

My psychic told me that I was a sucker for pseudoscience. The chances of her knowing that were astrological.

I gave my bedroom the nickname "hydra." Because every time I clean it, it becomes twice as dirty.

SIT DOWN.
BE HUMBLE.
Okay you can stand up now. Studies show that sitting still for more than 5 hours a day can take over 10 years off your life expectancy. No amount of exercise can reverse it. Scary, right?

It's the little things that matter in life. Like being a millionaire, having my butler do cartwheels for my amusement. And also my penis.

Judge: we hereby find the defendant GUILTY! On all 3 charges of rhymes against humanity.
Me: Holy calamity; scream insanity; all you ever gonna be's another great fan of me!