💖 Sachairi 💖 @sachairiah@mastodon.social

(I may not be depressed, but I might be, I have no idea how on supposed to be feeling?)

I have always run on fear. That's part of the reason I hide things, and i think it comes from the PTSD. I am just so scared of what might happen.

I also seem to be rather high functioning when it comes to anxiety and maybe depression.

My mother has been on them as long as I remember. I know they help a lot of people, but i am scared. My mother always tells me, "whatever you do, dont go on them".

I admit my brain defaults to catastrophic thinking. I just dont know how to make it chill out so I can think clearly.

My period is also a huge factor in a lot of this. Even tho I know it's coming, I cant reason with my premenstrual brain. Everything is awful, I'm an anxious mess, and I cant see my way out. The fog only lifts once my cycle starts (hi, my period arrived today).

I've begged for stuff to help with that, (mostly for them to give me stuff in which my cycle wouldnt come anymore) but maybe an antidepressant is something I just need to do.

I do know what a lot of my issues are and what is causing me stress. I've been unmedicated for almost 2 mos now for my anxiety, after finally getting a handle on it, and they still havent sent my meds. And now I need to wait, again, because while I could have afforded it awhile ago, I cant right now.

I dont mind waiting, but for a lot of my stressors, it's all a waiting game. Waiting for the baby to be old enough for me to apply for respite services. Old enough for him to go to daycare (they go for more cheaply after they turn 3 if they have a diagnosis and you can prove they need it)

Called around a few offices for therapy. I did find one that seems like they would fit well (I know I suffer from PTSD and maybe other, undiagnosed conditions). Most arent taking new patients, but the one who is will be a few months of wait.

Another reason I wanted to make a channel tho because I just want to reach people. I have nobody to talk to. I've taken big steps back from areas where I am formally invited, but I feel like a massive burden.

I desperately need a community tho, I'm friggen suffocating. I feel like my needs are higher than everyone else, but between having kids and being sick myself, it's not surprising I'm isolated. People dont care about parents or the disabled.

I do have a lot in common symptoms of having body dysmorphia but I've never been taken seriously or dx with it so that cant be real, amirite

I think a lot of the premature aging in my face was due to my disordered eating (ana for the majority of my life, never formally treated). I've never been overweight, but I did have a lot of baby fat in my face up until i was 25 or so.

My face thinned out a lot after delivering my first child/ my dx of POTS, and I cant seem to put weight back there. My mouth lines are the deepest I've seen of anyone my age.

Everyone is so pretty, fresh faced, in ways that I cant come near even with makeup and filters.

I just look much older than my age and it just seems like I cant find the right combo to look somewhat tolerable

So I've been wanting to make videos for a long time. I had floundered as a parent when my child was confirmed to be autistic. There is more info now than there was, but I had to figure out, by myself, what next. Esp as a Canadian- all the info I was finding was American.

Anyway. I want to make educational/ community based videos to help other canadians (and anyone fresh from dx!) but I cannot deal with how I look?!

I'm sorry I've been not great lately. I'm struggling. (Today was particularly difficult)

My youngest really likes bashing his head into me, and usually it connects with my mouth.

If he pops a tooth out of my head I am going to be so angry

My comic has updated! The plot thickens http://www.nientecomic.cfw.me

I'm angry, sad, and feel powerless.

I'll email his teacher tonight about it. I cant get a hold of the mental health lady that works with the school (misplaced her number, gotta find it)

6yo has been acting out against me in anger, which is... better than anyone else and I've been trying for a while to handle it at home.

He proudly admitted to threatening his worker with scissors today. His EA (different person) mentioned that he wouldnt work today, so they took the day easy and followed his lead.

It wasnt til he had been home for an hour or so that HE told me about the scissors so I have no idea about the details yet.

At what point are moms not blamed for their kid's behaviour because I am trying my best but it seems that isnt good enough

I always with my kids. I feel like I'm suffocating.