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Why do people always think glasses make you look smart? You have to fail an exam to get them.

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The hit TV show Seinfeld except all of the jokes in the cold open are just @j997922 toots.

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You awake in a strange chamber, light flickering in from a crack in the ceiling. The walls and floor are made of smooth stone, with no visible seams aside from the aforementioned crack. There is a pedestal with a small box on it in the center of the room. Set in the walls are two doors, one to the north, and one too the south.

What do you do?

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If fathers are covered in skin, are forefathers covered in foreskin?

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Funny, long story that will make you hate me when I'm done. 

Once upon a time, there was a man. This man was like any other man, save for one thing. He owned a black shark, and he kept it in a white pool. I know what you're thinking; why does he have a black shark in his white pool. Well, the man had a rule that he would never tell anyone, and that no one was supposed to ask him about it. He told everyone he became close with, "don't ask me about my black shark in my white pool."

It's hard to find furniture at the intersection of affordable, cool, and sturdy. I'm trying to replace my bedside table with a bookshelf (as I have a growing stack of RPG books on it), and there are some cool looking ones I've found, but when I read the reviews, it's always "Poorly constructed" or "difficult to put together".

There is a very specific high that comes with getting a recruitment email from a recruiter that isn't just an outsourced person over seas shotgun blasting every linkedin account with a certain keyword.

@tessaracked I know you told me about Tank Noodle being shit before, but my wife just told me apparently they got fined $700k because they hadn't been paying their employees a wage, just giving them the tips they made, and even then, skimming from that. Really hoping Tank Noodle gets shut down.

Thursday in the office,
And I'm awake,
Waiting for the post,
Like a USPS snake.

Just got a fake friend request on Facebook, and 5/6 guys that came up in the little 3x2 friends box absolutely looked like the thirst traps who would accept a friend request from such an obviously fake profile.

Religion 

I saw a post on LinkedIn called something like "Black Women Empowered" and then some other word, and it was an image that said "God will put you where HE thinks..." something something I don't remember the rest, and it seemed really weird to me to see a women's empowerment group talking about how their conception of a male god was going to make decisions for them.

Is it even black metal if you can read the band's name in their logo?

Sex talk 

That's not to say that it wasn't good before, it was good, it just wasn't something we'd really think about, so we wouldn't really do it.

Weirdly enough, I think it all kinda started when I asked her to get herself some lingerie for my Christmas present.

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Sex talk 

It's been very odd, we've been having sex more in the last couple weeks than in the preceding two months. It's like something just clicked and it's just better now. I don't know what, but it's nice.

I subscribe to like six or seven patreons, most of them for 3d printing stuff, which I simply horde and rarely actually print. It's great.

Looking at the emails from yesterday, thinking "Ah yes, Patreon day"

Some slimy cretin on Facebook market place apparently stated I could do to improve my punctuality, and now I'm going to kill everyone I've ever sold to on Facebook just to ensure I get the bastard.

Was it luigi that people tried to cancel for the term "baby brained"?

I ran a Trophy Dark incursion yesterday where one of the players turned into a skin suit full of rats.

the twist ending of mastodon 

it was Earth all along

Summoning two types of guys with a single post (one of them is @healyn):

Bruce Springsteenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

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