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Why do people always think glasses make you look smart? You have to fail an exam to get them.

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The hit TV show Seinfeld except all of the jokes in the cold open are just @j997922 toots.

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If fathers are covered in skin, are forefathers covered in foreskin?

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Funny, long story that will make you hate me when I'm done. 

Once upon a time, there was a man. This man was like any other man, save for one thing. He owned a black shark, and he kept it in a white pool. I know what you're thinking; why does he have a black shark in his white pool. Well, the man had a rule that he would never tell anyone, and that no one was supposed to ask him about it. He told everyone he became close with, "don't ask me about my black shark in my white pool."

Whenever I hear that local restaurants are dying, I'll just remember how the burger place we ordered from tonight absolutely covered the burger I ordered in the condiments I very specifically asked them not to include.

Shit I blew my Bandcamp budget yesterday, on Bandcamp Thursday (that's where Bandcamp gets the whole thing).

Shit shit shit

You ever notice that when someone on the internet has a problem, they tend to have a lot of problems?

Holy shit this is incredible.

Warning: Incredibly graphic! Exposed penises and exposed penises getting shot off. But very funny

vimeo.com/86014703

I keep seeing headlines about the reveal of Prince Phillip's cause of death. Turns out, old age. Shocker. He was 99, who would have guessed.

I think I just took a nap for the first time in 10 years, at least.

I don't mean moving like, to a new apartment. I mean the physical act of locomotion.

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Me: my whole body hurts even my stomach hurts what's up with that?
The fact that I haven't eaten in 14 hours:

This might be the vaccine talking but "angus is wet" might be the single funniest thing I've ever read on here.

@sexybenfranklin there's nothing in the constitution that says a dog can't be president

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