Pinned toot

Why do people always think glasses make you look smart? You have to fail an exam to get them.

Pinned toot

The hit TV show Seinfeld except all of the jokes in the cold open are just @j997922 toots.

Pinned toot

You awake in a strange chamber, light flickering in from a crack in the ceiling. The walls and floor are made of smooth stone, with no visible seams aside from the aforementioned crack. There is a pedestal with a small box on it in the center of the room. Set in the walls are two doors, one to the north, and one too the south.

What do you do?

Pinned toot

If fathers are covered in skin, are forefathers covered in foreskin?

Pinned toot

Funny, long story that will make you hate me when I'm done. 

Once upon a time, there was a man. This man was like any other man, save for one thing. He owned a black shark, and he kept it in a white pool. I know what you're thinking; why does he have a black shark in his white pool. Well, the man had a rule that he would never tell anyone, and that no one was supposed to ask him about it. He told everyone he became close with, "don't ask me about my black shark in my white pool."

The best line in a youtube video is and will always be "Damn it McTetris, did you not hear me in regards to my age, and its incompatibility with proximity to shit!?"

I want to get a 4k tv but I don't know if I can justify the cost of a nice OLED one. Truly suffering

I finally was able to buy a copy of an RPG I had been looking for for a while, so that was a good Black Friday

Did that thing again where I assumed everyone is an Atheist until given evidence otherwise.

Honestly, it doesn't matter if the movies aren't the best, the whole point of The Expendables is to see the spectacle of all these classic action heroes playing in a sandbox together.

Pulling an Alex and boosting my spread from last night because I'm proud of it.

there is exactly one person who is allowed to reply to me without faving and its @sexybenfranklin

My brother in law said "I didn't know turkey could be so flavorful"

Very funny when people claim that dunking on astrology is misogynistic.

Clockwise, starting top center:
Applewood Smoked Cajun Turkey
Roasted Brussels Sprouts w/ House Made Bacon
Honey whole wheat rolls
Apple pie
Andouille Cornbread stuffing
Mashed Potatoes

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