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Why do people always think glasses make you look smart? You have to fail an exam to get them.

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The hit TV show Seinfeld except all of the jokes in the cold open are just @j997922 toots.

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If fathers are covered in skin, are forefathers covered in foreskin?

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Funny, long story that will make you hate me when I'm done. 

Once upon a time, there was a man. This man was like any other man, save for one thing. He owned a black shark, and he kept it in a white pool. I know what you're thinking; why does he have a black shark in his white pool. Well, the man had a rule that he would never tell anyone, and that no one was supposed to ask him about it. He told everyone he became close with, "don't ask me about my black shark in my white pool."

Astrology? Huge fan. I saw Jupiter Ascending in theaters.

You know you're a piece of shit when you get a stomach ache after dinner and you hope you get through it fast enough to have sex before going to bed.

At the time, I will have yelled 34,553 terrible things onto the Fediverse.

*Tone*

I bought a 3D printer off Facebook marketplace because I am weak

Starting a new religious sect that embraces modern technology but shuns indoor plumbing.

I saw The Green Knight last night and enjoyed it a lot.

I hate to admit how much I love that twangy vocal in "Hey Brother".

There were some Lollapalosers hanging out in the lobby of my office building yesterday which was super weird because it was like half a mile from the park. Surely there was a closer Starbucks.

How much for the tickets to see Plácido Domingo
, José Carreras, and Luciano Pavarotti? Three tenners.

This episode of Amphibia has Matt Chapman voicing a swashbuckling newt. He's better known as the voice of Strong Bad.

A stoner's retelling of a Japanese murder story with unreliable narrators, Rastamon.

Tonight has been a night of non-sequiter Homestar Runner lines.

Apparently there was one from a month ago that I also rejected.

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I got a new account request on 616.earth and I suspect it is someone who is very lost.

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