Muun @sfeertheorist@mastodon.social

Well Castlevania S2 straight up wrecked me. Everything involving Dracula was just.... goddamn. And that ENDING. The last scene will really stick with me for awhile.

I WANT THEM TO HAVE LOUDASS PART-DEMON TWINS

I THINK NERO AND KYRIE MIGHT HAVE KIDS IN DMC5? OH PLEASE LET THIS BE TRUE.

Ever, really? One of the most revelatory things about seeking treatment for anxiety was realizing how far back it's gone. The most pointed question I was asked, when I said it manifested as a teenager, was "Are you sure it wasn't earlier?" and I realized, oh. Yes. I did have panic attacks as a small child.

But even though I'm still looking for full time work and my current part time gig is a bit insane, even though most of my creative stuff is sort of stalled right now, I still feel much better about myself and life in general than I have in a long, long time

ps. when I say startup culture for the win, I actually mean 'fuck start up culture' -- multiple people at that place apparently jumped ship right after I did, which says everything about how toxic that place was. But even at my worst at that place I somehow managed to make clearer decisions than I would've if I weren't getting treated

I still feel things and I still get stressed but it's kind of like there's this nice comfy buffer between when I register something and when I process it where I can actually THINK about it and DECIDE how I get to react to it. I don't get hijacked by panic attacks like I used to.

It's all a bit more muted but, honestly, it's the nicest break I've ever had. I don't feel so exhausted by feeling anymore and it's cleared up so much bandwidth for me, mentally

In the past few months I've gone on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds for the first time (mainly for said anxiety) and the difference it's made is honestly life changing.

I had a tough year since my wife had a bad accident which required surgery, and I had a job opportunity that didn't work out (start up culture for the win), but it's sort of amazing to me how much...better I feel despite it all.