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I forgot to do an post, did I? I'm Shizu, she/her, gamer, otaku and a Twitch affiliate streamer. I do a bit of graphics, a bit of art, a bit of writing... basically a Jane of many tricks, master of none.

Here I want to do the things that I kept myself from doing on Twitter, and sharing my thoughts is one of that.

:blobcat: Twitch - twitch.tv/shizuyue
:bongoCat: Twitter - twitter.com/shizuyue

This food thing is really frustrating on its own but i think it's worse that I don't know how to cook what I want to eat? I just want simple vegetable dishes, rice, white meat that is not fucking fried chicken and soup so my rice is not dry. I'm actually getting a bit sick of some of the stuff my MIL cooks or the meals we default to when buying.

Doesn't help that the meals are usually also meat heavy when I actually prefer vegetables more.

Maybe I'll just learn to cook some dishes.

(11/11)

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Partner must feel some of it too because I didn't know if I can eat something he bought for my breakfast and i was just too tired to deal with it so I didn't make a move to eat at all until he poked me about eating.

Will be making a list of what i absolutely cannot eat later. As for the rest of the 'not-recommended' food, I'll just err off the side of caution.

(10/?)

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Did I mention that thanks to issue 3 I'm very often hungry? Not yet right? Well there's also a list of things I shouldn't eat, and a bunch I should check before I eat. My regular unhealthy diet is out of question, and i have to worry about nutrition and shit.

Staring at food you're not sure if you can eat when you're hungry as hell is a special kind of frustration.

(9/?)

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I fucking hate receiving phone calls on a good day because usually the voice quality sucks and it takes a lot of concentration for me to hear what is being said with my ADHD shitty audio filtering. And I have an enormous hatred for scammers (not personally a victim) because the way these organized scammers earn money is fucking heartless.

It thoroughly ruined what was already a frustrating day for me yesterday.

(8/?)

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Actually, I'm not done yet. This morning I was woken up by drilling noise. First thing in the morning! I woke up enraged, basically.

And yesterday while I was waiting for an important phone call, I received one of those vile scam calls instead. The absolutely terrible mics and heavily indian-accented English telling me that they are from the technical department of a telco I don't use, that they suspect somebody trying to use my internet. Fuck the fuck right off.

(7/?)

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But the discomfort from issue 3 is kinda long-term for a bit and also potentially disruptive so I'm still going to have to work things out around it. And future planning is not a thing I'm good at, i tend to over-think and stress myself out.

Oh well.

Gotta go collect my glasses. Hope it's all fixed, no further issues with it.

(6/6)

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Good thing is I'm collecting my fixed glasses today so this should at least no longer be a problem. But the deadline stress has definitely built up.

3. Can't give much details but my body is going through some changes and these changes alone are already able to cause quite some discomfort, but added onto the previously stated problems... I'm feeling useless and uncomfortable and annoyed and lost.

Hopefully part of it will cease once I'm able to work and deal with the deadlines.

(5/6)

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My backup glasses (with an older prescription) and contact lenses (also older prescription) is tiding things over, but I get motion sick and fatigue when using them for long. Thus, I don't like being out of the house much because said motion sickness, and can't do work, play games or read coz the motion sickness and fatigue.

It's been very... frustrating. I never thought I would miss doing work. Doesn't help that I have deadlines. It's been around a week, I'm getting stressed out.

(4/?)

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Oh yea, did I mention that the renovation has been going on for a couple months now? It also makes it hard for me to schedule my streams because I don't know if there's going to be really loud drilling or not.

2. My spectacles frame cracked and the lens on the right fell out. Tried taping it back but I'm quite sensitive to changes in my glasses so it's hard.

(3/?)

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I can't plan around it and whenever there's loud noise, my senses are left on high alert and I'm not able to relax.

I have used earplugs or earphones with loud music to drown the sound out and that mostly works. But they are not comfortable and it's sometimes even more annoying to remove them thinking that the noise is over, but it's not.

I come just go somewhere else if it's wasn't for problem number 2.

(2/?)

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I haven't needed to vent for a while now and I'm being overwhelmed by a number of things right now.

1. The renovation works being one in the unit directly above mine is driving me nuts. The loud drilling and hammering sounds penetrate the layers easily and some other noise comes in through the windows. It's unpredictable as in there's no fixed timing for what works (understandably), so there's like says without noise then a few days with really loud ones.

(1/?)

Test toot, I think a previous toot vanished

Depression, self hate, negativity 

Will I one day see what others see in me? I honestly don't know. Perhaps after enough achievements behind my belt? But what would count as achievements to my flawed mind?

Perhaps, finally name and achieve a dream goal? Right now (1. having a cat for life) is fighting with (2. shipping a game) for the dream goal spot. Our just keep both?

Questions for another day. In exposing this core inside, maybe I can face it properly, after all this time.

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Depression, self hate, negativity 

I am literally my worst enemy. I honestly believe there isn't another person on this planet that hates me more than me.

I do believe that therapy will help lessen this, the amount of hate I have towards myself. Won't be soon, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be completely heal from the damage I did to myself.

Will I ever learn to love myself? With time, maybe. The me right now is incapable of feeling it, but logic indicates it's very possible.

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Depression, self hate, negativity 

I told my counsellor, I can be kind to myself but I'm not able to love myself. Not at the moment anyway.

Logically understanding what drove me to do what I did, good or bad, smart or stupid, and why I am the way I am (spoiler alert, highly likely mismanaged ADHD) doesn't mean that it can just magically sweep away the negativity and hate I painted deep in my psyche.

And even now, this hatred is a candle that keeps burning.

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Depression, self hate, negativity 

To put it in another way, I don't understand why people like me a person. Often, I don't comprehend why the people close to me love me either.

This, I feel, is linked to how long and how much I have hated myself. Since two decades ago, I started hating myself and it is rooted so deep in my heart, my brain. I find myself disappointing and unreliable, and I'm bitterly resigned to it, not able (yet) to struggle out of this loop that keeps proving itself.

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Depression, self hate, negativity 

I don't know what about myself is interesting or worth talking about. If I once did, I've forgotten how to. And because of this, I cannot find it in me to want to promote myself. My creations, yes, I am able to do it a little, but not myself.

Two years after I made affiliate on Twitch, I still don't understand what makes people want to subscribe to me. I am very thankful of their support, but I simply can't understand what they see in me. Why me?

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Depression, self hate, negativity 

Some negative thoughts that were floating around in my head for a while now, so I'm going to write them out and pin them down so they stop floating.

Came to realize these after the recent counselling sessions.

One portion of stress is removed, another portion remains.

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