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I forgot to do an post, did I? I'm Shizu, she/her, gamer, otaku and a Twitch affiliate streamer. I do a bit of graphics, a bit of art, a bit of writing... basically a Jane of many tricks, master of none.

Here I want to do the things that I kept myself from doing on Twitter, and sharing my thoughts is one of that.

:blobcat: Twitch -
:bongoCat: Twitter -

It's really quite something to look at your child and they look back at you with your own features. I'm glad my son's eyes look like mine, they are one of my features that I'm a little proud of.

Right now I should be doing work, but my brain is just too stressed out by this and other things. I should book a counselling appointment soon, after I manage to clear enough work that I don't feel too anxious about it.


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I thought about doing commissions for emotes or layouts, or experimenting with stream tools or small games/apps that may become viable income sources, in addition to my current freelance work and streaming. But I did not, could not, get myself to start putting those into action. The first step is so hard. And I worry, often, that what I can make isn't of value.

Then I feel dumb about it, because I haven't even done anything, take those first steps, to see what I can or cannot do. (4/?)

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Because of this, when I'm looking at the things I am recommended to get, I worry over their cost a lot. I cannot shake the instincts to scrimp and save, especially if it's for myself.

Yet, at the same time, some part of me is too prideful to ask for monetary contributions for my livestreaming efforts. Perhaps it's fear, that others and myself will gain the mindset that I'm doing it for money and I'll change how I go about doing it. (3/?)

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It's mostly the big expenses that makes me anxious. I feel like a burden, for not doing my part to contribute a full-time income or equivalent. Yet... I know full well the reason why I did not get myself a full-time job.

I know what I'm going through now (pregnancy) and what I'm and will be contributing in other ways are also important, perhaps equally important. But knowing doesn't erase the feelings of insecurity, and perhaps.... shame. (2/?)

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Kinda a difficult subject for me, but i gotta murmur this somewhere out of my head.

My family and I live quite comfortably, with small luxuries and savings too... but personally, likely because I don't have a full time job and income, I don't feel financially secure. I think that my savings are for raining days, and also that the amount isn't enough.

Especially since there's going to be a new addition to the family, and with that means big expenses and permanent change to lifestyle. (1/?)

Since my last rant, things have been much better. Just the noise situation being completely gone has improved my sanity level by so much.

In any case, I'm thinking some deep stuff... and I realized, that now my goal in life is kinda simple, actually. I just want to be the kind of person that's remembered fondly by all who I care for, and was a source of kindness and joy in their lives.

Of course, if I could create something that makes the world a better place, that would be great too.

This food thing is really frustrating on its own but i think it's worse that I don't know how to cook what I want to eat? I just want simple vegetable dishes, rice, white meat that is not fucking fried chicken and soup so my rice is not dry. I'm actually getting a bit sick of some of the stuff my MIL cooks or the meals we default to when buying.

Doesn't help that the meals are usually also meat heavy when I actually prefer vegetables more.

Maybe I'll just learn to cook some dishes.


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Partner must feel some of it too because I didn't know if I can eat something he bought for my breakfast and i was just too tired to deal with it so I didn't make a move to eat at all until he poked me about eating.

Will be making a list of what i absolutely cannot eat later. As for the rest of the 'not-recommended' food, I'll just err off the side of caution.


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Did I mention that thanks to issue 3 I'm very often hungry? Not yet right? Well there's also a list of things I shouldn't eat, and a bunch I should check before I eat. My regular unhealthy diet is out of question, and i have to worry about nutrition and shit.

Staring at food you're not sure if you can eat when you're hungry as hell is a special kind of frustration.


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I fucking hate receiving phone calls on a good day because usually the voice quality sucks and it takes a lot of concentration for me to hear what is being said with my ADHD shitty audio filtering. And I have an enormous hatred for scammers (not personally a victim) because the way these organized scammers earn money is fucking heartless.

It thoroughly ruined what was already a frustrating day for me yesterday.


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Actually, I'm not done yet. This morning I was woken up by drilling noise. First thing in the morning! I woke up enraged, basically.

And yesterday while I was waiting for an important phone call, I received one of those vile scam calls instead. The absolutely terrible mics and heavily indian-accented English telling me that they are from the technical department of a telco I don't use, that they suspect somebody trying to use my internet. Fuck the fuck right off.


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But the discomfort from issue 3 is kinda long-term for a bit and also potentially disruptive so I'm still going to have to work things out around it. And future planning is not a thing I'm good at, i tend to over-think and stress myself out.

Oh well.

Gotta go collect my glasses. Hope it's all fixed, no further issues with it.


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Good thing is I'm collecting my fixed glasses today so this should at least no longer be a problem. But the deadline stress has definitely built up.

3. Can't give much details but my body is going through some changes and these changes alone are already able to cause quite some discomfort, but added onto the previously stated problems... I'm feeling useless and uncomfortable and annoyed and lost.

Hopefully part of it will cease once I'm able to work and deal with the deadlines.


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My backup glasses (with an older prescription) and contact lenses (also older prescription) is tiding things over, but I get motion sick and fatigue when using them for long. Thus, I don't like being out of the house much because said motion sickness, and can't do work, play games or read coz the motion sickness and fatigue.

It's been very... frustrating. I never thought I would miss doing work. Doesn't help that I have deadlines. It's been around a week, I'm getting stressed out.


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Oh yea, did I mention that the renovation has been going on for a couple months now? It also makes it hard for me to schedule my streams because I don't know if there's going to be really loud drilling or not.

2. My spectacles frame cracked and the lens on the right fell out. Tried taping it back but I'm quite sensitive to changes in my glasses so it's hard.


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I can't plan around it and whenever there's loud noise, my senses are left on high alert and I'm not able to relax.

I have used earplugs or earphones with loud music to drown the sound out and that mostly works. But they are not comfortable and it's sometimes even more annoying to remove them thinking that the noise is over, but it's not.

I come just go somewhere else if it's wasn't for problem number 2.


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I haven't needed to vent for a while now and I'm being overwhelmed by a number of things right now.

1. The renovation works being one in the unit directly above mine is driving me nuts. The loud drilling and hammering sounds penetrate the layers easily and some other noise comes in through the windows. It's unpredictable as in there's no fixed timing for what works (understandably), so there's like says without noise then a few days with really loud ones.


Test toot, I think a previous toot vanished

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