Pinned toot

I forgot to do an post, did I? I'm Shizu, she/her, gamer, otaku and a Twitch affiliate streamer. I do a bit of graphics, a bit of art, a bit of writing... basically a Jane of many tricks, master of none.

Here I want to do the things that I kept myself from doing on Twitter, and sharing my thoughts is one of that.

:blobcat: Twitch - twitch.tv/shizuyue
:bongoCat: Twitter - twitter.com/shizuyue

Depression, self hate, negativity 

Will I one day see what others see in me? I honestly don't know. Perhaps after enough achievements behind my belt? But what would count as achievements to my flawed mind?

Perhaps, finally name and achieve a dream goal? Right now (1. having a cat for life) is fighting with (2. shipping a game) for the dream goal spot. Our just keep both?

Questions for another day. In exposing this core inside, maybe I can face it properly, after all this time.

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Depression, self hate, negativity 

I am literally my worst enemy. I honestly believe there isn't another person on this planet that hates me more than me.

I do believe that therapy will help lessen this, the amount of hate I have towards myself. Won't be soon, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be completely heal from the damage I did to myself.

Will I ever learn to love myself? With time, maybe. The me right now is incapable of feeling it, but logic indicates it's very possible.

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Depression, self hate, negativity 

I told my counsellor, I can be kind to myself but I'm not able to love myself. Not at the moment anyway.

Logically understanding what drove me to do what I did, good or bad, smart or stupid, and why I am the way I am (spoiler alert, highly likely mismanaged ADHD) doesn't mean that it can just magically sweep away the negativity and hate I painted deep in my psyche.

And even now, this hatred is a candle that keeps burning.

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Depression, self hate, negativity 

To put it in another way, I don't understand why people like me a person. Often, I don't comprehend why the people close to me love me either.

This, I feel, is linked to how long and how much I have hated myself. Since two decades ago, I started hating myself and it is rooted so deep in my heart, my brain. I find myself disappointing and unreliable, and I'm bitterly resigned to it, not able (yet) to struggle out of this loop that keeps proving itself.

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Depression, self hate, negativity 

I don't know what about myself is interesting or worth talking about. If I once did, I've forgotten how to. And because of this, I cannot find it in me to want to promote myself. My creations, yes, I am able to do it a little, but not myself.

Two years after I made affiliate on Twitch, I still don't understand what makes people want to subscribe to me. I am very thankful of their support, but I simply can't understand what they see in me. Why me?

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Depression, self hate, negativity 

Some negative thoughts that were floating around in my head for a while now, so I'm going to write them out and pin them down so they stop floating.

Came to realize these after the recent counselling sessions.

One portion of stress is removed, another portion remains.

Current mental state is, foggy with spiky vines and self-inflicted poison Damage-Over-Time debuff

There's like 1000 things I want to do, I need to do, and but I'm stuck here feeling many of my inadequacies all at once, feeling so bloody useless and yet full of potential at the same time.

Basically fighting my brain again, same battle, for the n-th time this year.

I want to create. I want to write, I want to draw, I want to code, I want to make little clay things. Pmg why is there this itch building and building and building.

It's 4 am. I couldn't sleep earlier because those thoughts mentioned in the Toot threaded above swirled up again. I wrote them down and even read a bit of research material. Hope I'll be able to sleep now.

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I keep having this whole essay worth of thoughts about how stream viewers compare with TV audiences, radio listeners, chatroom goers and online communities, and from there, how to figure out what kind of audience a streamer should aim for.

This is taking up too much brainspace, help.

My self-confidence has been quite low for quite a while now. It's caused by a number of things.

It feels to me like my twitch stream and community growth is stagnating. Even though many of my decisions were deliberately made after considering my needs, I cannot help but doubt and wonder if I have chosen to cripple my channel. I feel like I'm not interesting, that I offer very little of value.

But still, I have not been able to do all I want with it yet, so there's space to grow. Yes.

With the relaxing of some COVID-19 measures in my country, I can go and get one, but my hairdresser is approx an hour of public transport away and I would prefer to wait until there are even lesser community cases, and I can also take the opportunity to visit family after. I haven't seen them since February and I miss them a lot.

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I know I'm not alone in this but I can't wait to get my haircut.

My main issue is the heat being trapped by the hair on the back of my neck. My hair length is the not quite shoulder length that can't all be tied into a ponytail and even if I can, I won't because in recent years I find that I get headaches if I tie my hair up for long. I just want my short hair back.

Today's mood is not good... feeling sharp and vicious. I hope I don't make decisions I'll regret later.

I need to remember the nice relaxed feeling I get after my first time playing Ringfit Adventures and do more of it.

Why does this sound familiar though?

It's one of those days where I feel like a disappointment and useless. I can't control myself to do things.

I know it's just my energy level is low, and body being uncomfortable saps my energy further. And probably a stress reaction to the latest COVID-19 measures introduced by the government.

But I still feel like crap.

Maybe tomorrow will be better, but I doubt it. There's work I need to do because deadlines and I'm soon gonna be incapacitated for a few days due to period. Sigh.

My twitter feed is full of Animal Crossing: New Horizon stuff and it's such an adorable game. I'm so envious and yet, I'm so afraid that I'll get addicted to this game if I even try it.

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