Anyone who gives your one and a half year old bongo drums for Christmas passive-aggressively hates you.

5 out of 7 people I was training on Microsoft Word didn't know the scissors icon could be used instead of Ctrl+x.

Direct quote "Why would they make the icon for cutting be scissors?"


I'm getting a headache from hitting my head against other people's stupidity.

Lack of sleep and sleep deprivation make it really hard to be kind to idiots.

I know there's the whole "parents take care of their children first and then children take care of their parents" bit, but honestly I didn't realize it was talking about lecturing your parents on being petty in your relationships.

My father has some issues with women (like 4 ex-wives level of issues)

Having to remind him when something happens to a friend of his that he needs to be supportive, not try to have the friend be more vindictive.


After weeks of getting woken up in the middle of the night and less than 5 hours of sleep...

I got almost 8 hours of interrupted sleep last night and I feel like I could challenge God.

Sleep is amazing.

Which is pretty impressive, considering the awful experiences I had as a child and teen that caused me to hide from dentist's for over 7 years.

When I finally met with this dentist (he came recommended by 3 different people), I actually cried when telling him some of the stuff that had happened. He listened to me, addressed my concerns and every time he has to do something invasive checks with me multiple times to make sure I'm not overwhelmed.

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Me, 2 years ago: I know having a kid will mean no sleep but I can totally handle it.

Me, now, with a 14 month old: falls asleep in the dentist's chair waiting for the dentist to come clean my teeth.

I somehow banged my head against a thumbtack and now have a small, bleeding head wound.

Apparently this is my klutzy week.

Co-worker who has burnt out two space heaters just complained about how cold it is. It's 74 degrees in our office.

I just offered to buy her slippers to wear in the office to help her stay warm because sandals aren't cutting it.

This last weekend we put up baby gates because the child is now walking.

Tuesday morning my sleepy ass tripped over the little added step while walking up a stair (yes, a single stair).

Cut my hand open grabbing for the gate and bruised my knees badly on the wooden floor.

Knees have been fine until today when I'm climbing under desks dealing with cords and I'm really wishing I had knee pads.

That feeling when, after 2 years of searching, you finally find the boots you've wanted.

If the FBI or anyone else is wondering, the caffeine source this morning is Earl Grey tea.

Woke up from a dream where I was filling out paperwork to apply for the FBI.

Apparently they wanted to know my caffeine consumption and to check if I drank tea, coffee, or soda in the mornings.

Either dream FBI is way more thorough then the real thing or my brain was prepping me for the fact that I slept horribly last night and will probably need many sources of caffeine this morning.

you, a fool: just migrated off your 19th instance this month because a leaked Slack message outed your admin as a Bosnian war criminal

me, enlightened: never left my first instance because I’m incredibly lazy

Be with someone who thinks it's awesome you can beat them 9 times out of 10 at air hockey.

Be with someone who can beat you 9 times out of 10 at Mario Kart and you're cool with it because you may compete at games but when it really counts you're a team.

I have a meeting in half an hour to talk with boss and co-workers on what I'm working on.

When asked I usually say I'm working on a bunch of shit, bit I'm pretty sure I can't just bring in a paper with 💩 emojis all over it...

Or can I?

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