smarsh @smarshtastic@mastodon.social

some writing goals for 2018:

- finish the westworld au
- finish the deadlock fic
- write a comic!! (fandom or original)
- write two new pilots
- finish a decent spec script
- do a camp nano month
- finish a nano project
- write for me 💖✨

basically: strike a better balance between fandom and original stuff. fandom should be Fun, not Work 🌟

i feel Trapped

squints

i think i accidentally made this chapter about jerk borrison

Someone (tm) showed up in the mcrey tag again and i always forget they exist until they rear their head and then i am suddenly filled with rageful annoyance

anyway, today has been extremely frustrating and i am Done

i keep putting it in my head like "i just have to survive until x"

i just have to survive until v comes to visit

i just have to survive until my therapy appointment

i just have to survive until my birthday

i'm just tired of barely making it, ya know

my new goal for this month is to get to 35k written - i'm 3k away from that goal and i can taste it

the only thing i really have is my writing and i'll be damned if i ever let that go

it's not until mid july lol

booked a therapy appointment 🙌

i know that they're going to call me back now that i'm back at my desk i KNOW IT

doubly difficult bc I have to physically leave the office to make these calls since I have no privacy in the office

@smarshtastic I called them back and they didn’t answer 🙃 WHY IS THIS SO HARD

uuuuuuuughhhghfdjgdhjkfh SOMEONE FINALLY CALLED ME BACK AND I MISSED THE CALL GOD DAMN IT

new anxiety about finding a therapist: how tf am i supposed to pay for this

last night i cried so hard i couldn't breathe and eventually exhausted myself so i passed out

today i tried calling therapists to set up appointments and emailed my psychiatrist to check my meds and have spent most of the day on the verge of tears

it's not normal but i feel so stuck

I just wish I never existed ya know

talking to my mom is the worst bc i Want My Mommy but i also desperately don't want her to worry so i just pretend everything is okay even though i want to cry hysterically

i'm just so tired of feeling bad. what is the point of taking all these meds if they don't help? why do i continue to feel shitty? how do i dig myself out of this hole? it's been like, two months and i really really need to stop existing

is it time to crawl in a hole and stop existing yet?

helping

[deafening silence]