imagining a john kerry speech where he warns the youths of the dangers of listening to "chapo trapped pied-a-terre", and "ejaculation township"

going to spend the next 20 minutes poasting jokes birb side wont see for months, welcome to my premium social media account

Professors love sticking one hand in their pocket and gesturing at the lecture hall with their free hand, they cant get enough of that shit

going to do some mastodon exclusive toots later today and maybe friday, got some good stuff

"What are my credentials? Sir I went to the prestigious Humor State University and got my PhD in quantum chuckling, not only that but i am also a graduate of Stanford's Guffaw School of Laughs. I know good jokes and this...is not one."

hello friends, going to be extremely offline for a few months, but if you and i were acquaintances on birdsite or want to stay in touch or cant live without my bad posts, please, dm me on there and I will try and send all interested parties a joke a week to keep my posting skills fresh.

i hate that "being a lawyer" is called lawyering, it sounds like adulting for professionals. awful

sliders are called that because they slide through your digestive system completely undigested, this has been uhh gastroentonolgy with state champ

"What are my credentials? Sir I went to the prestigious Humor State University and got my PhD in quantum chuckling, not only that but i am also a graduate of Stanford's Guffaw School of Laughs. I know good jokes and this...is not one."

laughing so hard i cry when the judge is legally forced to call me mr. nuttsack at the custody hearing

if i could some up my religious beliefs it would be

1. Fucking is not real
2. I'm agnostic on kissing

swiping right on every horse girl in the hopes we match and i can sap them of their awesome powers

cancer (actual) 

joke premised on network television existing in the middle ages 

broke: sharing your mastodon on twitter
toke: sharing your Twitter on mastodon
woke: sharing your facebook on mastodon
bespoke: sharing your facebook on myspace
invoke: sharing your myspace on linkedin

My wife: stop making everything about basketball or im getting a divorce

Me: haha the only family court I'm interested in is the bball court at the "Y"

Her: I'm leaving you

Me: no dont leaving your man is poor defensive fundamentals

Show more
Mastodon

Server run by the main developers of the project 🐘 It is not focused on any particular niche interest - everyone is welcome as long as you follow our code of conduct!