I had to end my relationship with my boyfriend and main reason for it is that I had to locate my life and my very 'academic' existence to a 'foreign' country. It kinda made me feel sad to be honest but I believe that my academic ambitions should not be blocked by any kind of affective impressions. I had to work even for getting admission for masters. Because of that I had to say farewell to him.

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When you experience the very substratum of the illiberal democracy at your own homeland, it drives your mind to the realms of anxiety or even insanity to a certain extent. The regime of right wing infused neo-liberalism influenced everywhere yet at the same time some countries influenced from despotism of neo liberalism more. That is why I HAVE to study in UK.

As a foreigner, both to my homeland and UK, I should say that I feel really anxious right now. I would definitely miss my siblings, friends. However, I should also not forget that each time I experience despotism of populist regime in my country, which I am also alien to, I feel really suicidal, sad and really broken.

I ask myself sometimes, should I kill myself if I cannot reach to my dreams? I really want to become a professor of politics at a foreign country. Or I am just delaying my existential crisis? No I am not writing those words for sake of getting attention points or something like that.

Should I cry?
I really don't know.
Should I end my life?
I really don't know.
Should I change my assigned gender?

I do sometimes need to talk somebody. Anybody... I sometimes rant in a really pathetic manner. Yet I also want to ask question. How can I overcome my sadness feel of angst? Any recs?

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