i went out clubbing for all of two hours on friday night after a work party, my coworkers insisted I go so I gave it a go but it was honestly so shit lmfao, idk why but I just could not get drunk enough to enjoy it so I took a taxi home (who happened to be a fucking creep, love it) and went the fuck to bed.

i'm a total shut in but what people get out of being shoved into repeatedly and having drinks spilled on you by annoying people for several hours straight is beyond me

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god the weekend always goes so fast...there never seems to be enough time to both rest and follow creative pursuits, argh! I wish 3 day weekends were more of a thing

anyway i know none of these thoughts are not even slightly a big revelationary hot take but that's not what this is about anyway

but the more i thought about it it's because like 80% of the time those characters are a deliberate """diversity win"""" attempt and it's so transparent it makes me want to scream

a lot of the time it is possible to appreciate them beyond their origins but idk, the more cynical i become the less I can interact with any kind of "mainstream" media production anymore

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i came back i have more to say

the fact that people at large seem so oblivious to the fact that corporations are intentionally weaponizing the addition of LGBT+ characters into their shows is the most aggravating thing on this fucking earth to me rn.

On top of that it's just frustrating tbh to always kind of have a suspicious, negative emotional reaction to the inclusion of LGBT characters in shows because of it. I kept having that reaction for a while and felt a bit weird in myself for it

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idk, gigantic videogame organisations are a fucking mess, the internet are a mess, internet feminism/liberals are eating themselves alive, i'm just tired

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I just think what annoyed me the most was some person saying something along the lines of "it's fine to like/watch the show but remember the company did all this bad stuff" and I get so frustrated, like do you think the CEOs give a shit what you say about them online as long as your views are giving them money???

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obvs like the bad people here are always going to be the companies themselves, knowingly and most likely deliberately using the show as a very clever PR smokescreen for all their shitty behaviour, and it's also totally understandable how people will, knowingly or not, buy into that, but man is it disheartening to see it play out in real time so vividly.

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it really aggravates me how many people are singing arcane's praises. It does admittedly seem like a cool show and I absolutely understand that people aren't wholly aware of its ties to as garbage of a company as riot and by extension blizzard/activision but ugghhhh

I've only seen like 3....4? people online talk about how perhaps watching the show isn't the greatest idea while everyone else seems to be falling over themselves to watch it sigh

On the flip side I'm coming down with like the fifth cold in the last two months, I seem to be catching so many in a row and I am!!!!! Tired of it!!!! Let me die in peace omg

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Bought myself four dresses for a work Christmas party that I'm going to tomorrow, it's my first one and I'm not very dressy but I wanted to look the part. I'm actually thrown because all four of them look really nice?? Usually I have so much issues with size and fit but I'm pleasantly surprised this time, wowie

tho that said about losing the ability in depression, a big way that i made it through the first couple years was to manifest all of the shit into writing and OCs, lmfao. so I suppose it's not completely true that it just dissipated. Still, it's been a lot of years that I've not really felt it was worth pursuing anymore, so i'll take this small win as the encouragement that it is

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I've been getting back into writing out of nowhere, which is nice. I used to do it so much when i was younger but it fell by the wayside along with most of my enthusiasm when I got depression i guess, lmfao. It's really nice to feel a bit more creative again, even in small increments

salty 

god i need to detach myself from the Online World so much, it's nothing but wank all the way through at this point

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salty 

I feel like a sceptical pessimistic bitch for it but anytime some big name artist tries to act like some sort of patron saint-esque figure of the online art community it makes my skin crawl so bad

like whatever i'm naturally suspicious of anyone like that so i'm happy to conclude it's probably just me but eeeergghhhh i dunno

rolls eyes i love playing dark souls and all the adjacent titles but their reputation as the ultra hard god gamer videogames means that I can't make a tweet laughing at myself for dying stupidly to a boss without getting comments from randos telling me how to play the game like

babes i know how to play the game but also that's not the point, just leave me alone??? lol???

Anyway despite being ill it's been fucking great working from home, I wish I could do it more often. Without having to feel nervous about how I'm being perceived by my boss I feel a lot more confident and relaxed

like I objectively know the situation is stupid and I shouldn't care and that if anyone is mad at me it's dumb and unfounded, but the fucking gerbil that's running the panic centre of my brain won't be stopped by such trivial things as facts, apparently. Love that.

Self discipline is doing it slowly and lessening the impulses and severity of the panic, but I truly yearn for a day where I'm just Not Like This anymore

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been watching some videos from licensed childhood trauma therapists on codependency and the need for everything to be ok in order to feel safe/calm etc and feeling very called out hahaha

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bleggghh I've gotten a real bad cold, was sent home from the office to work from home because I was a mess lol. Keep taking LF tests but they're negative so that's some good news at least

Super nervous my boss is mad at me for it or something even tho it was her idea for me to work from home, and my coworker is being really passag so I'm really stressed lol

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