All British erotica has to begin with "Oi, guvna! Snog me fanny?", it's the law.

Another rule of British erotica: never forget the entrenched class system

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When an American might say "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yessss!"

A lower class person will say "Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! M8888"

Whereas an upper class person will say "Rather! Rather! Rather! Bullllllly!"

A few other points of terminology, "Condom" is an Americanism. In Britain we call it a "manorak"

And any "British" erotica that takes place in the morning or while the sun is shining is pure farce. Sex is taken between the hours of 10 and 11 in the evening

It's perfectly legal to take your sex at other times, but it's morally unacceptable, so nobody does it

If you've the time, it's also customary to serve scones with apricot jam, cucumber finger sandwiches and a pork pie afterwards, to replenish your constitution.

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