"Hey noobie, we're a flat structure agile team, we don't really know what that means and we don't really care. Either way here is the Scrum master, his job is literally to mess with JIRA all day long and see how the team is progressing. don't worry you will have fun writing code between updating JIRAs and meetings. Over here is the Product manager, he just says what the work on, similar to the Scrum master but he's actually important!

Over here is your actual manager, occasionally he will tell you to be more productive instead of just looking at the screen and not typing for 5 minutes.

Oh by the way noobie, you need to chat to the UX Product manager and your Product manager too about this new fun JIRA, the scrum master will be there to ask some questions about estimates! Estimates what are they you ask? They're a fun way for us to try and say some work is a huge pain in the ass and sometimes impossibe, but we all rank it lower than what'd actually take it as a pseudo dick measuring contest, it's fun!

Also noobie, did we tell you that you will have a bi-monthly catch up with your manager? This is to ensure he pretends to know what you're doing, as most of the time he has no fucking clue. He will probably ask you if you're living and breathing the company culture.

How have you shown leadership even though there's levels and levels of bureaucracy and management? Leadership also means accepting changing criteria in a JIRA after no one mentions concerns they have at standup as no one really cares about it! Hope you enjoy! k bye!"

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