It's been so long that I'm not even bitter or angry about it. It's just more enriching for me to explore newer, healthier connections instead. If they ever extended an olive branch I wouldn't decline, but I know I just don't have it in me to give what I used to be able to
my good friend asked me once if I would consider rekindling an old friendship with someone I'd had a falling out with and I told her that I already had thought about it. I just decided that my love and time would simply be better spent on people who I knew would actually appreciate it.
My workspace is adorned with tons of colourful knickknacks and trinkets but it's like this because half of these things were presents I got from friends and I felt so loved upon that realization
JC examines my baby workout progress every other week or so:
JC: ok flex ur arms
me: whoah, what are those????
JC: those are muscles
I think I might look into getting a diagnosis for ADHD... To me it's more for inner peace, mostly to put context to how I grew up and what I had to overcome
I don't have to go into confrontations expecting angry and defensive outbursts or flat out resistance anymore... I have to remember that
Or... maybe it does matter. I feel weirdly zen about my anger.
Im some cases I guess it doesn't matter if I don't take things personally. When the other person is being a giant dick, I still get hurt and angry.
foundations Show more
I knew going into therapy that I'd be tearing down my old foundations for a new one, a stronger one, one built on truth instead of illusions. Having grown up with mistreatment and abuse, my foundation was a mismatched mosaic of violently shattered fragments. I was confused and fragile, and I had no real foundation. I'd been seeing that more clearly since I'd begun building anew. Now it's clear enough for me to verbalize and it's... exciting, actually
this took me long enough to figure out Show more
I have enough self awareness and sense of identity by now that I don't need to depend on others to define me anymore. Everyone does to a certain degree, but I need to wean myself off a lot because I've been trying to see a perfect reflection of myself when people aren't perfect mirrors. They are warped, with scratches and cracks of their own, and I need to look into myself to ground me instead. I think this is one of the last missing pieces I needed to heal.
drawing for other people isn't my purpose but I love being that one really good contractor
"behind" Show more
it's hard not to feel like I'm lagging behind because I never had the means to take care of my mental health until 2 years ago. I'm starting so "late" and it makes me feel so inferior and burdensome to the people around me who do have their coping figured out. It's not my fault and I'm trying to heal but I keep feeling so insecure about where I am
therapy was so rough
today was so rough
tomorrow will be a better day
I haven't seen my therapist in over a month, oh boy do I have a lot to discuss LOL
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