How to get all three starter Pokemon when all your friends have Gameboy Colors and you still rockin' big grey boi:
t.co/0A0fzlo8sy

When I'm at my girlfriend's house I hold in all my farts. Last weekend I fell asleep and then woke up to what I thought was a bomb going off in the bed.

Have you ever farted yourself awake because you were trying all day to be lady-like?

Someone said I have
"that Big Top Energy"

My girlfriend laughed hysterically.

I quietly whimpered and wiggled about.

I've never even been to the circus.

I went to a church once when I was 16 because I liked the music and had a crush on a girl. I was so moved by the guitar that I started crying. They took me up front for an altar call and saved my soul.
I felt guilty for wearing panties and smoking pot. I was such a bad egg.

If you aren't doing your laundry naked then you're doing a half-assed job.

Last night I was eating goldfish naked in the kitchen out of a family size carton. Not casually mind you, but violently tipping the box up like a college kid chugging a beer. My neighbor walked into her bedroom and held up her glass of wine as if to cheers me. She too was naked.

The Gentleman's Rock 'n' Roll yo-yo:
For when you're masculinity is fragile but you
still want to play with a yo-yo. t.co/8zbvWrnkoj

I'm so lazy I struggle to motivate myself to get out of bed and go pee.

My super secret sex move is when I climb on top and my hip pops.

NOW that's what I call sexy 33

Tip your bartender and head pat your maid.

When I picked out my chosen name I went with something similar to my dead name.

I did this to "make it easier on everyone else."

I advise against this.

It's your life.

It's your name.

Make this change for YOU.

My other fursona is a dildo whittled out of ginger root.

I was 16 when I first experimented with eyeliner. My step grandfather caught me and then made me use a chainsaw for the rest of the afternoon in an attempt to man the queer outa me.

I'm still queer but now I could build you the gayest log cabin you ever did see.

Hey, have you had any trouble faxing today?

"Nope. I also haven't used a dotmatrix printer today either."

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