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People get so shocked when I tell them I've raised two kids alone, got my PHD in Psychotherapy, work full time during the have a night job and a successful business from home. I maintain all friendships and a social life and donate to charity. Anything is possible when you lie

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Whos the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultrasound guy. Who takes over when hes on holiday? The hip replacement guy.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours.

So they decided to call it a day.

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry.

I was telling my doctor earlier how my tennis elbow was really hurting.

She said how many years have you had it for?

I said 15 Love

I hate it when people dont know the difference between your and youre. There so stupid.

I killed a chicken last week. Now I’m being haunted by a poultrygeist.

What do you call a car thats covered in leaves? An autumnobile.

What does an astronaut do when he screws up? He apollo-gizes

Never trust a tree in the summer...

Most of them seem pretty shady...

What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball? He was Napoleon Blown Apart.

in 1969, a group of three former military officers led an invasion of earths nearest peaceful neighbor in space. At the end of their eight-day mission, nobody was left alive on the moon...

Why is it called a dad-bod and not a father-figure?

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.

Do you have a wife that shares your 'special' pundenaceoius perspectives of perniciously pervasive punny pastimes?

Accountant puns are self-deprec(i)ating, and as a result, are often worth less...

if you can't laugh at yourself, give me a call...

some things I'm always happy to do for others!

The Star Wars saga is really just the story of three generations of people bullying C3PO

How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on...

H.E.L.P comes in the following options:

Chocolate: That's strictly to eat or as offerings to upset wives
Movies: Yes, you can endure Frozen for the 10000 time. I promise.
Sedatives: Highly recommended for the mother-in-law

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