I woke up early this morning (4am) so that I could pack the car for this week's nursing assistant shift and squeeze in a hike in the nearby prairie and woods before the start of my shift.
I started out feeling absolutely depressed but a few miles in, my spirits lifted. Exercise and nature are like that. Better than a cup of coffee or some other drug, I think.
I heard a group of owls hooting in the lowest, breathiest voices I've ever heard owls speak in.
It was creepy. I admit that I had the creeps.
But a half mile later, I noticed the sky brightening toward sunrise and the creeps lifted.
I don't know what species of owl I heard chatting. Is the Great Creepy Owl a species name? It should be.
(I started my hike in darkness, btw. Hence, the owl-creeps.)
My goal this week is to keep myself centered and grounded. As much as possible.
I'm going to have to remind myself of this constantly. I found myself venturing off into political anger/sadness self-dialog repeatedly throughout my hike. I'm trying not to do that. It feels like a desecration of the land, doing that in what I consider to be a sacred space.
I'm trying to remind myself that these emotions are not useful to me at this point. I have found that my anger and despair only lash my emotions even tighter to my oppressors' toxic presence, reopening old emotional trauma wounds and inflicting new ones.
For me, it is the emotional and cognitive equivalent of picking at a scabbed over, suppurating wound. With each scratch, I bleed more and introduce more pathogens.
It's time to try something different.
After five decades of this, I am really tired of emotionally binding myself to horrible human beings' toxicity.
I'm tired of giving my soul over to the bullies.
I'm exhausted from doing this for so long.
I can't do this anymore.
And I won't, if I can find some other path.